Okay, so here is the deal. I am going through a divorce. Nothing against her, we both made our mistakes, but that is just the deal. So, now I have this big fucking house with, what seems to be like 50 rooms, (really its only like 4 bedrooms, but who the fuck really cares), so that my new roommate can move in. Well, now I am forced to go through and clean out the office, which contains pictures, letters, and other paperwork from our 2 & 1/2 year relationship. I knew this task was going to be a hell of a daunting bitch....so I decided..fuck it. I am going to mix up a sweet ass gallon jug of "Crystal light" margarita flavored mix, and 3/4 of a bottle of tequila and start this day off right. Yup. . . obviously my mind has taken me elsewhere because instead of clearing out my house and doing anything remotely related to productive, I am typing on this fucking computer with half of that gallon jug down. Good times.
Well, I am now getting a small amount of a "Buzz" going on, and I think to myself. . . "Dude, you officially have nothing in this fucking house, you are a fuck up, you suck and you know it...and...this fucking crystal light margarita shit is delicious" By now you should realize that I am lonely, and not in the good way...I am lonely in the most destructive of ways. The type of lonely that makes you want to dump a bottle of "ZZZZquil" into a cup, mix in a bag of tropical skittles (obviously those little light blue ones that come in the tropical bag would taste great with "ZZZZquil"), add a hint of sprite (for flavor and a bubbly feel), drink that shit and go on some kind of "lean" for like 3 days while I fucking power clean my fucking house. . . . On a side note...its officially a fucking beautiful day outside, and pretty warm, which is surprising for February in Maryland...because lately its been colder than the inside of a penguins vagina.
I think its safe to say that for the rest of the day I am just going to get real drunk, think about all the mistakes I have made in my life (that should be really rewarding), go watch tv with my buddy, and think about how mad I am they kicked off that white hair chick from American idol last night (just typing that makes me realize how pathetic I am at a molecular level)
I just realized that anyone who reads this is going to think that they have a great life, and that they are really happy with themselves. My fucking pathetic life should really give you a confidence boost. Congratulations, you bottom feeding brick fucking ass monkeys can officially smile. Don't worry, I am confidant your life is in no way as near as shitty as mine. I almost feel really good that I can brighten someones day, and then I remember its at my own expense, and I fill up my cup with this delicious golden dollar store margarita I made. Later y'all.
Life's favorite punching bag,
Jessie "KWAZ" Kwasney
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